Saturday, November 14, 2009

Can any1 tell me how d u like my new poem?

after 'the death of autumn' i v tried 2 write another 1 about spring n i v tried my best 2 write in rhyme even though i like free verse. i m a frustrated writer actually n a hard core give honest comments.take care all


The floral treasury is abundant again,

As the sun sobs no more,

Dying poppies, ghostly orange leaves

Seem forgotten tales of yore.

Spring’s sensuous smiles lure all the birds,

They celebrate the festive bower

Buzzing madly among the trees

The bees are working together.

Spring’s whispers confiding in the fruits

The juicy secrets to hide

Timid apples, cherries, plums and berries,

All fruits swell up with pride.

Spring’s sylph dances with dainty feet

Her steps make flowers grow more

Autumn’s sickly reign seems over again

Its rule threatens no more.

Can any1 tell me how d u like my new poem?
I live in the tropics where we do not experience spring but I like your poem as it makes spring come alive to me.It is a beautiful vivid description of the freshness and new life that spring brings. It makes me feel happy and wish i were there to see its beauty. Keep up with your gd writing.
Reply:they were really good and i definatly like the third to last part.
Reply:I like to a point, the bridge between wording is sloppy in places, well written though, easy to read, good work.
Reply:good job
Reply:I would say it is quite nice, but the rhythm doesn't really flow if you read it aloud. However, why is spring after autumn? Spring ---%26gt; summer ---%26gt; autumn ---%26gt; winter. Unless you're talking about a country with only 3 seasons.

Umm...The bees are working together. This line doesn't really follow the tense of the rest of the poem. It should be The bees work together. You notice the pattern in the rest of the poem? There's no is or are in front of verbs, it's all just the verbs itself.

I like the use of the first word being Spring's in each stanza other than the first one. :)

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